When I create a big problem to solve, I'm the problem.

Today is another day of confusion and exhaustion, I didn't do anything much since the morning but everything seems so much to handle. At this point I have no interest and excitement in almost all things around me, what's changing??? And it scares me, putting me in a total unfamiliar space and feeling, I been feeling this for months on occasionally basis. I can be extremely happy the last day and the next-I see nothing in the mirror but a messy face, all the tense pull down the entire face muscle create a smash-moving-potato.

Since I was 5 years old, I stood up for my friend against the bully; 7 I had the hair style that no girl at the time will dare to have; and around 16 I dreamed to be an influenced woman in the future where I'm the person who give the poor ones hope and shelter. 20 now and I found myself lost in the junk of thought that I had in my brain, if I have had sketch all my idea down, it would fill up my small walk-in closet. And again in times I would look back to see what I have done, I came quite a long way but yet seems I have nothing; I do make my family and myself proud at times with some of my works but now I taste nothing more then a plain, bitter and spicy after taste of the succeed I have done. I'm craving for more and yet I have nothing to be sure about, always feel like mission un-solved and what I did is and act of adding salt to the big blue sea.

Talking about these things remind me of the saying from my friend: "Comedians are usually the saddest people in the world." at first I denied. And then I heard my great great brilliant University Instructor tells us the story of Napoleon Bonaparte was the guy who suffer from serious mental illness that death is really the thing he desires; and yet that Death didn't even hit him once on the battle field but from a stomach cancer. Those contradiction that makes the world that we know and living in: "You don't get what you always want." lead me to the next point of talking about Physics.

I got to see a talk of Dan Cobley (Marketing Director of Google) "What Physics taught me about marketing" on TED.com few months ago. And I always remember his example of Axiom of Physics: "says you cannot prove a hypothesis through observation. You can only disprove it" and so on. It hits me, real hard in the head of how uncertainty things are; it circle back to the confusion that I'm in right now is I can't tell what I have but all I see is what I don't have. I'm constantly not seeing myself as a positive thinker but instead I see myself the most clearest is when I make mistake. I make all the big dream I want to be because I don't want to be the one living the small dream; I defined by what I don't do, not that what I do and what I don't think about. Like for instance I know I'm not a Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Catholic nor an Antithesis; but again I don't say I'm Buddhism. So it's kind of the theme of "You are what you are not." or even you are nothing at all because you won't do a lot of thing more then what you actually do.

What do I have so far, I have my summary of my dreams and what I intended to express; I talked about the contradiction of the world we are living in; and I mention a bit about Physics to be you are what you are not.

...what next...
{tune in for more when I got it figure out what to say next}

alone in my room on a late afternoon,
winter 2010
Whx5